How to enjoy intimacy whether a man pays for it or not?

Have the right mindset

So many men buy sex, but never get intimacy. Similarly, so many even very young men do not have success in intimacy.  Even happily married men do not know how to enjoy intimacy. There are men who never understood love and intimacy. Men who have not found how to enjoy intimacy must learn that sex is not intimacy.  Sex is an act of intimacy which physicalises abstract connection. Intimacy is the connection. There are many ways how to enjoy intimacy that do not involve sex.

Even if you pay for intimacy, forget the mindset of transactional sex. Set the mind for wanting to connect and experience all the intimacy about which you fantasised. If you set the mind for transactional sex, you will get transactional sex because you will exude the energy of a transactional partner. You must also give some of you to moments of intimacy.

Give yourself time to connect

We all long for connection in a dehumanising world and many people pay big sums to find it. Companionship is based exactly on this principle. Men who hire companions don't buy sex. They buy connection. Intimacy is the strongest form of connection. Connection is abstract, hence we can't touch it. So if the connection is strong and we sometimes physicalise it by sex, sex will be good.  Love, friendship, companionship, good communication, teamwork, belonging, loyalty, trust, intimacy, and a sense of being at home in life all strengthen connection.

Be present in intimacy

Forget autopilot. Sharpen the mind and senses. Focus on the moment. If you are having sex, do not want to do too many things at once. Choose one, enjoy it, then choose another, etc.  Close the eyes and be really present. If you are building up to an orgasm, focus and let the orgasm come naturally. It is good to be selfish at times. If you pay attention, the quality will of course rise. But you must give some of yourself too. You will only then get the beauty, pleasure, even healing of intimacy with and without sex.

In contrast to how to enjoy intimacy,

if a man  does not give himself time to connect and rushes into sex ordered by text message, of course he will not find intimacy.  We can fully connect to others only if we connect to ourselves, our bodies, the present moment. You will get a collection of mechanical movements without connecting. If you have paid for sex, you will surely have lived this.

Yet with all these consequences to our attention many people live in cultures which do not train to pay attention - to be mindful.  These cultures bombard people with opportunities to steal our attention by novelty, media, technology, stimulants, gossip, and sex for profit, not intimacy.  The Western culture elevates cognitive skill as the dominant mode of knowing and being.  Yet when we fully focus, we disconnect from others, the moment, our bodies, feelings, selves.

How to enjoy intimacy

Men who do not know how to be intimate are preoccupied with work, problems, and don't know how to connect with themselves.  The greatest challenge of relationship, intimacy, life is to be fully awake, aware, attentive to the present moment.  The opposite of living on a dull autopilot. Awareness creates choice.  The choice to connect to what we attend to.  This is a skill that grows with practice of paying attention to our attention, presence, connection, and the quality of what we produce in our connections.

This is where life, relationship, intimacy, and taking care happen. You are where your attention has taken you with or without choice. Remember this especially during your moments of intimacy. After all, if you're not to be fully in them, why have them, and especially pay for them?

If this resonates with you because your attention wanders more often than you'd like, I can help to sharpen your focus!